Still cold

For the longest time after you died - at least a year - I listened to Coldplay, one of the many many bands you listened to on the regular. I tended to listen to the sad songs most, especially Fix You. I know, I know, how trite, listening to the words tears stream down your face while tears were streaming down my face but it made me feel if not better than somehow close to you again, for a little bit. I say made, because I’m not listening to it anymore on repeat…I had to stay at a friend of my husband’s house for a couple of weeks and he had a playlist of 90s hits and Coldplay was every seventh song or so, and each time I heard the opening notes of The Scientist or Yellow sadness seeped in and I got tired of people around me seeing my wet eyes and asking, What’s the matter?

Hey can you take a look at this, my husband asked, and I dutifully reviewed our Portugal residency application. I wanted to wait ‘til you stopped crying but I have to get this done tonight, he apologized, and before I could wonder how he knew I was crying he smiled and said Coldplay is on the radio.

R. shared new pictures on Facebook yesterday - V. looks more and more like you every day, the same high intelligent forehead. What a beauty your daughter is - she has your height and her mom’s long fall of black hair. She always looks so sad, even when she’s smiling.

When we divorced I wasn’t at all sure I was doing the right thing. My mom and dad firmly believed I wasn’t; only K. knew how lonely I had been. I’ve been happy in my new life, with no regrets except that getting here involved hurting you, which I regret more than anything, so much so that for a long time I simply could not forgive myself and could not respond if treated poorly at the hands of others, so guilty did I feel. But seeing your kids has eased this feeling, reminding me that had I not left, these pieces of your heart would not still be here, growing smarter and more beautiful every day and bringing joy to everyone you have left behind. I think I can forgive myself now; I think I can stop bawling every time I hear Coldplay.

I asked ChatGPT what are the saddest songs in the world and of course every single one is on my playlist except for one that made me bark startled laughter, I still remember the first time you played "He Stopped Loving Her Today" by George Jones. It wasn’t the memory of that song that made me laugh, but the other George Jones tunes you played for me - especially the one about the guy drinking whisky from a Jim Beam decanter that looks like Elvis, pouring it into a Flintstone jelly jar. I remember singing the chorus with you and T. and D. in Chicago outside that blues bar, you saying those guys need to listen to more George Jones to know real blues and us bellowing the chorus as we made our way down the street, people stopping to laugh and a few even joining in.

I was wrong before - I am not getting over losing you, I will never get over losing you, I will never stop wishing that you were out there somewhere in the world, listening to your playlist that mixed Husker Du with Marty Robbins, your kids rolling their eyes and saying Oh dad. Which is why, instead of crying to Chris Martin singing When you love someone and it goes to waste could it be worse, I have lately been laughing to Yabba Dabba Doo, the King is gone, and so are you.

xo