Found in translation

There is a new voice in my head these days. I call her The Translator; despite this impressive-sounding title she is not at all helpful, having decided her job is to produce whatever word she knows in the vicinity, whether or not it helps me communicate.

If I read she pipes up to say leio (I read) which is not at all the same thing as leao which is a lion, though she says them more or less the same way because her accent is sh*t. Quick do a Portuguese accent - you can’t because no one knows what a Portuguese is supposed to sound like. That way they can stop anyone from getting fluent. Portuguese guard the difficulty of their language jealously.

I’m studying Portuguese. I have been devoting 1-3 hours of study per day for 568 days in a row. I am by no means fluent but I can participate in a conversation, I have the vocabulary for most of the things I need to say or ask for, like Here are the documents and My number was called (in Portugal you will say this often). I can order a cafe the way I want it.

But I’m still in the listen, translate, suss whats being said, compose a response, translate the response, then speak the response mode of learning a language and it’s lenta, which sounds better than slow but isn’t. It’s a lot and at the end of a day with multiple Portuguese-only interactions I am brain dead. But I can’t seem to turn my brain off - it helpfully translates everything I do.

If my husband says Need a fork? The Translator says um garfo? When my brother/in/law told a story about a turtle The Translator piped up with tartaruga . There are passaros is in the trees this ensolarada day but better take that guarda chuva just in case. At night I lie awake and she whispers nao dormo, você deve escrever.

I like learning a different word for everything. Some words have become favorites. Like, I’d way rather go on feiras than vacations.

The word for word is palavra, which sits on the tongue like a dollop of whipped cream on an Irish coffee.

The word for question, pergunta, seems like it would have the voice of William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Pao is better than bread. Pao rhymes with wow and bread in Portugal is in fact wow especially if it’s from Mafra.

Saying laranja makes me feel like Ginger Grant from Gilligan’s. Island. Get yourself a glass of orange juice if you want, not for me. Um copo de sumo da laranja por favor, Gilligan.

I like the word madrugada though I don’t love early morning, I’m too much of a night owl for that. It sounds like a word spoken in a whisper one lover to another - meet me at the madrugada (only in Portugues it would be Conhece-me em na madrugada or perhaps Conhece-me para a madrugada. No matter how you say it, madrugada beats dawn by a mile on the sexy factor.

The word maravilhosa is simply marvelous with more oomph to it. Sobrenome would make a lgreat last name - it is the actual word for last name.

Some words make me laugh (riso 😆) because it’s like a joke, someone pretending to speak Portuguese by adding a vowel to every word. Simples exemplo documento evento means exactly what you think it means.

Then there are the words that look familiar but are said very differently like fah-mil-EE-ARE and roo-RAL (rural) and pop-you-LAHR (popular) and hedge-ee-oh-NAL (regional).

Tubarao is not as scary sounding as “shark” but xicara sounds like a deadly snake when it’s in fact just a cup. I’d rather say entanto than however however I prefer car to carro.

Vermelha is prettier than red, and a bandeira sounds cooler than a flag but bandeira vermelha sounds like a way bigger deal than red flag. I don’t like the word oculos it makes me feel like I need to clear my throat. I like preciso better than need and I like like better than gosto. Bombeiros is better than firefighter, it sounds like what it is, which is dangerous.

I’d rather go naked than wear roupas which sound uncomfortable, especially vestidos which is weird because what is easier to wear than a dress?

I’d rather eat a piece of cake than como um peco de bolo. Alcool is just dumb like they aren’t even trying like the person in charge of the word alcohol drank too much alcool and wears a Fonzie t-shirt.

I like saying legal (layGAHL) instead of cool but calma instead of calm seems show-offy. Teatro sounds suitably more dramatic than theatre; prato sounds weird and faca weirder - plate and knife are things that only need one syllable and they should definitely not sound like things you find on a bathroom floor. Don’t slip on that prato! This faca is gross when’s the last time it was washed?

Coisa introduces a sexy sound to the word thing. Boca is not as sexy as mouth. I’d way rather cook in a cozinha than a kitchen. But igreja sounds like there’s an iguana caught in my throat and not like a church at all.

I like comida better than food and I like being a cozinheira better than being a cook. Lemon beats limao but azeite is much nicer to say than olive oil; there should be more words with a Z if you ask me.

Pior sounds more desperate than poor but rico doesn’t sound as wealthy as rich. Molho sounds terrible like a sauce made of dirt.

Danger sounds less dangerous than perigoso; agua seems less refreshing than water. Xiampu is just fancying up shampoo. Frio doesn’t seem that cold you big baby. Month is mez which I like the plural, mezes, like the word for a man’s period.

Calcas and camisas don’t seem like pants and shirts but sapatos gives shoes the comical sound they deserve.

Doce sounds sweeter than dessert; salgado sounds saltier than salty. Sujo means dirty and seco means dry but feels like it should be the other way around.

Why go slowly when you can devagar? I’d rather caminhar than walk but running sounds more fun and faster than correndo.

To arms! translates as a armas! but it would be more peaceful to say dois bracos! (two arms). Don’t say dois brancos by accident.

A brinquedo sounds like a toy .gun or bomb but it’s just a toy.

Errado sounds both better and worse than wrong - if you had told me the errado was the saw tooth part of a blade I would have believed it no question.

I have to go to the store (mercado) which is the worst place for my condition. I can’t keep the words to myself. I walk through the produce aisle muttering maca, cenoura, cebola, alface. It’s always a word that bubbles to mind never helpful sentences. I can’t say Excuse me which aisle is the alcohol in, I can only say alcool? while shrugging my shoulders like a chimp.

Last time I was there when a woman walked by with a big purse, I couldn’t stop myself from saying bolsa which made her son look at me with suspicion. Who was this estranha?

I managed to not say crianca to the little kid staring at me. Instead I whispered bandeira vermelha as I walked past.

Mamae! he yells.

Desculpe she says to me, apologizing for her loud kid, who is staring at me accusingly. I smile at him which sounds so much more sinister - sorriso - in Portuguese.

p.s. my husband just now (agora) told me You’ll never guess the word for plunger and he is right I would never have given myself the poetic license to come up with desentupidor. It’s so perfect - my h says it sounds like a magic word used with a wave of a magic wand to make things go down the drain.

And when it comes to casual goodbyes, bye doesn’t work at all. Ciao works but the Portuguese tchau is even better.